"Had we thy coming known, we would for sacrifice
Have poured thee out heart's blood or blackness of the eyes.
Ay, and we would have spread our bosoms in thy way,
That so thy feet might fare on eyelids, carpet-wise."
When the Caliph heard his verses, he took the cup from his hand and kissed it and drank it off and returned it to Abu al-Hasan, who made him an obeisance and filled and drank. Then he filled again, and kissing the cup thrice, recited these lines:
"Your presence honoreth the base,
And we confess the deed of grace.
An you absent yourself from us,
No freke we find to fill your place."
Then he gave the cup to the Caliph, saying: "Drink it in health
and soundness! It doeth away malady and bringeth remedy and setteth
the runnels of health to flow free." So they ceased not carousing
and conversing till middle night, when the Caliph said to his host, "O
my brother, hast thou in thy heart a concupiscence thou wouldst have
accomplished, or a contingency thou wouldst avert?" Said he: "By
Allah, there is no regret in my heart save that I am not empowered
with bidding and forbidding, so I might manage what is in my mind!"
Quoth the Commander of the Faithful, "By Allah, and again by Allah,
O my brother, tell me what is in thy mind!" And quoth Abu al-Hasan:
"Would Heaven I might be Caliph for one day and avenge myself on my
neighbors, for that in my vicinity is a mosque, and therein four
sheikhs, who hold it a grievance when there cometh a guest to me,
and they trouble me with talk and worry me in words and menace me that
they will complain of me to the Prince of True Believers, and indeed
they oppress me exceedingly. And I crave of Allah the Most High
power for one day, that I may beat each and every of them with four
hundred lashes, as well as the imam of the mosque, and parade them
round about the city of Baghdad and bid cry before them: 'This is
the reward and the least of the reward of whoso exceedeth in talk
and vexeth the folk and turneth their joy to annoy.' This is what I
wish, and no more."
Said the Caliph: "Allah grant thee that thou seekest! Let us crack
one last cup and rise ere the dawn draw near, and, tomorrow night I
will be with thee again." Said Abu al-Hasan, "Far be it!" Then the
Caliph crowned a cup, and putting therein a piece of Cretan bhang,
gave it to his host and said to him, "My life on thee, O my brother,
drink this cup from my hand!" and Abu al-Hasan answered, "Ay, by thy
life, I will drink it from thy hand." So he took it and drank it
off, but hardly had it settled in his stomach when his head forewent
his heels and he fell to the ground like one slain. Whereupon the
Caliph went out and said to his slave Masrur: "Go in to yonder young
man, the housemaster, and take him up and bring him to me at the
palace. And when thou goest out, shut the door." So saying, he went
away, whilst Masrur entered, and taking up Abu al-Hasan, shut the door
behind him, and made after his master till he reached with him the
palace what while the night drew to an end and the cocks began
crowing, and set him down before the Commander of the Faithful, who
laughed at him.
Then he sent for Ja'afar the Barmecide and when he came before
him, said to him, "Note thou yonder young man," pointing to Abu
al-Hasan, "and when thou shalt see him tomorrow seated in my place
of estate and on the throne of my caliphate and clad in my royal
clothing, stand thou in attendance upon him, and enjoin the emirs
and grandees and the folk of my household and the officers of my realm
to be upon their feet, as in his service, and obey him in whatso he
shall bid them do. And thou, if he speak to thee of aught, do it,
and hearken unto his say and gainsay him not in anything during this
coming day." Ja'afar acknowledged the order with "Hearkening and
obedience" and withdrew, whilst the Prince of True Believers went in
to the palace women, who came up to him, and he said to them: "When
this sleeper shall awake tomorrow, kiss ye the ground between his
hands, and do ye wait upon him and gather round about him and clothe
him in the royal clothing and serve him with the service of the
caliphate, and deny not aught of his estate, but say to him, 'Thou art
the Caliph."' Then he taught them what they should say to him and
how they should do with him, and withdrawing to a retired room, let
down a curtain before himself and slept.
Thus fared it with the Caliph, but as regards Abu al-Hasan, he
gave not over snoring in his sleep till the day brake clear and the
rising of the sun drew near, when a woman in waiting came up to him
and said to him, "O our lord, the morning prayer!" Hearing these
words, he laughed, and opening his eyes, turned them about the
palace and found himself in an apartment whose walls were Painted with
gold and lapis lazuli and its ceiling dotted and starred with red
gold. Around it were sleeping chambers with curtains of
gold-embroidered silk let down over their doors, and all about vessels
of gold and porcelain and crystal and furniture and carpets dispread
and lamps burning before the niche wherein men prayed, and slave girls
and eunuchs and Mamelukes and black slaves and boys and pages and
attendants.
When he saw this, he was bewildered in his wit and said: "By Allah
either I am dreaming a dream, or this is Paradise and the Abode of
Peace!" And he shut his eyes and would have slept again. Quoth one
of the eunuchs, "O my lord, this is not of thy wont, O Commander of
the Faithful!" Then the rest of the handmaids of the palace came up to
him and lifted him into a sitting posture, when he found himself
upon a mattress raised a cubit's height from the ground and all
stuffed with floss silk. So they seated him upon it and propped his
elbow with a pillow, and he looked at the apartment and its vastness
and saw those eunuchs and slave girls in attendance upon him and
standing about his head, whereupon he laughed at himself and said, "By
Allah, 'tis not as I were on wake, yet I am not asleep!" And in his
perplexity he bowed his chin upon his bosom, and then opened his eyes,
little by little, smiling, and saying, "What is this state wherein I
find myself?" Then he arose and sat up, whilst the damsels laughed
at him privily, and he was bewildered in his wit, and bit his
finger, and as the bite pained him, he cried "Oh!" and was vexed.
And the Caliph watched him whence he saw him not, and laughed.
Presently Abu al-Hasan turned to a damsel and called to her,
whereupon she answered, "At thy service, O Prince of True
Believers!" Quoth he, "What is thy name?" and quoth she, "Shajarat
al-Durr." Then he said to her, "By the protection of Allah, O
damsel, am I Commander of the Faithful?" She replied, "Yes, indeed, by
the protection of Allah thou in this time art Commander of the
Faithful." Quoth he, "By Allah, thou liest, O thousandfold whore!"
Then he glanced at the chief eunuch and called to him, whereupon he
came to him and kissing the ground before him, said, "Yes, O Commander
of the Faithful." Asked Abu al-Hasan, "Who is Commander of the
Faithful?" and the eunuch answered "Thou." And Abu al-Hasan said,
"Thou Hest, thousandfold he-whore that thou art!" Then he turned to
another eunuch and said to him, "O my chief, by the protection of
Allah, am I Prince of the True Believers?" Said he: "Ay, by Allah, O
my lord, thou art in this time Commander of the Faithful and
Viceregent of the Lord of the Three Worlds."
Abu al-Hasan laughed at himself and doubted of his reason and was
bewildered at what he beheld, and said: "In one night do I become
Caliph? Yesterday I was Abu al-Hasan the Wag, and today I am Commander
of the Faithful." Then the Chief Eunuch came up to him and said: "O
Prince of True Believers (the name of Allah encompass thee!), thou art
indeed Commander of the Faithful and Viceregent of the Lord of the
Three Worlds!" And the slave girls and eunuchs flocked round about
him, till he arose and abode wondering at his case. Hereupon the
eunuch brought him a pair of sandals wrought with raw silk and green
silk and purfled with red gold, and he took them and after examining
them, set them in his sleeve. Whereat the castrato cried out and said:
"Allah! Allah! O my lord, these are sandals for the treading of thy
feet, so thou mayst wend to the wardrobe." Abu al-Hasan was
confounded, and shaking the sandals from his sleeve, put them on his
feet, whilst the Caliph died of laughter at him. The slave forewent
him to the chapel of ease, where he entered, and doing his job, came
out into the chamber, whereupon the slave girls brought him a basin of
gold and a ewer of silver and poured water on his hands, and he made
the wuzu ablution. Then they spread him a prayer carpet and he prayed.
Now he knew not how to pray, and gave not over bowing and
prostrating for twenty inclinations, pondering in himself the while
and saying: "By Allah, I am none other than the Commander of the
Faithful in very truth! This is assuredly no dream, for all these
things happen not in a dream." And he was convinced and determined
in himself that he was Prince of True Believers, so he pronounced
the salaam and finished his prayers, whereupon the Mamelukes and slave
girls came round about him with bundled suits of silken and linen
stuffs and clad him in the costume of the caliphate and gave the royal
dagger in his hand.
Then the chief eunuch came in and said, "O Prince of True Believers,
the Chamberlain is at the door craving permission to enter." Said
he, "Let him enter!" whereupon he came in, and after kissing ground,
offered the salutation, "Peace be upon thee, O Commander of the
Faithful!" At this Abu al-Hasan rose and descended from the couch to
the floor, whereupon the official exclaimed: "Allah! Allah! O Prince
of True Believers, wottest thou not that all men are thy lieges and
under thy rule and that it is not meet for the Caliph to rise to any
man?" Presently the eunuch went out before him, and the little white
slaves behind him, and they ceased not going till they raised the
curtain and brought him into the hall of judgment and the throne
room of the caliphate. There he saw all curtains and the forty doors
and Al-'Ijli and Al-Rakashi the poet, and 'Ibdan and Jadim and Abu
Ishak the cup companion, and beheld swords drawn and the lions
compassing the throne as the white of the eye encircleth the black,
and gilded glaives and death-dealing bows and Ajams and Arabs and
Turks and Daylamites and folk and peoples and emirs and wazirs and
captains and grandees and lords of the land and men of war in band,
and in very sooth there appeared the might of the House of Abbas and
the majesty of the Prophet's family.
So he sat down upon the throne of the caliphate and set the dagger
on his lap, whereupon all present came up to kiss ground between his
hands and called down on him length of life and continuance of weal.
Then came forward Ja'afar the Barmecide and, kissing the ground, said:
"Be the wide world of Allah the treading of thy feet, and may Paradise
be thy dwelling place and the fire the home of thy foes! Never may
neighbor defy thee, nor the lights of fire die out for thee, O
Caliph of all cities and ruler of all countries!" Therewithal Abu
al-Hasan cried out at him and said, "O dog of the sons of Barmak, go
down forthright, thou and the chief of the city police, to such a
place in such a street, and deliver a hundred dinars of gold to the
mother of Abu al-Hasan the Wag, and bear her my salutation. Then go to
such a mosque and take the four Sheikhs and the imam and scourge
each of them with a thousand lashes and mount them on beasts, face
to tail, and parade them round about all the city and banish them to a
place other than this city. And bid the crier make cry before them,
saying: 'This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso
multiplieth words and molesteth his neighbors and damageth their
delights and stinteth their eating and drinking!'"
Ja'afar received the command and answered "With obedience," after
which he went down from before Abu al-Hasan to the city and did all he
had ordered him to do. Meanwhile, Abu al-Hasan abode in the caliphate,
taking and giving, bidding and forbidding and carrying out his command
till the end of the day, when he gave leave and permission to
withdraw, and the emirs and officers of state departed to their
several occupations and he looked toward the Chamberlain and the
rest of the attendants and said, "Begone!" Then the eunuchs came to
him, and calling down on him length of life and continuance of weal,
walked in attendance upon him and raised the curtain, and he entered
the pavilion of the harem, where he found candles lighted and lamps
burning and singing women smiting on instruments, and ten slave girls,
high-bosomed maids. When he saw this, he was confounded in his wit and
said to himself, "By Allah, I am in truth Commander of the
Faithful!" presently adding: "Or haply these are of the Jann, and he
who was my guest yesternight was one of their kings who saw no way
to requite my favors save by commanding his Ifrits to address me as
Prince of True Believers. But an these be of the Jann, may Allah
deliver me in safety from their mischief!"
As soon as he appeared, the slave girls rose to him, and carrying
him up on to the dais, brought him a great tray bespread with the
richest viands. So he ate thereof with all his might and main, till he
had gotten his fill, when he called one of the handmaids and said to
her, "What is thy name?" Replied she, "My name is Miskah," and he said
to another, "What is thy name?" Quoth she, "My name is Tarkah." Then
he asked a third, "What is thy name?" who answered, "My name is
Tohfah." And he went on to question the damsels of their names, one
after other, till he had learned the ten, when he rose from that place
and removed to the wine chamber. He found it every way complete, and
saw therein ten great trays, covered with all fruits and cates and
every sort of sweetmeats. So he sat down and ate thereof after the
measure of his competency, and finding there three troops of singing
girls, was amazed, and made the girls eat.
Then he sat and the singers also seated themselves, whilst the black
slaves and the white slaves and the eunuchs and pages and boys
stood, and of the slave girls some sat and others stood. The damsels
sang and warbled all varieties of melodies and the place rang with the
sweetness of the songs, whilst the pipes cried out and the lutes
with them wailed, till it seemed to Abu al-Hasan that he was in
Paradise, and his heart was heartened and his breast broadened. So
he sported, and joyaunce grew on him and he bestowed robes of honor on
the damsels and gave and bestowed, challenging this girl and kissing
that and toying with a third, plying one with wine and morseling
another with meat, till nightfall.
All this while the Commander of the Faithful was diverting himself
with watching him and laughing, and when night fell he bade one of the
slave girls drop a piece of bhang in the cup and give it to Abu
al-Hasan to drink. So she did his bidding and gave him the cup,
which no sooner had he drunk than his head forewent his feet.
Therewith the Caliph came forth from behind the curtain laughing,
and calling to the attendant who had brought Abu al-Hasan to the
palace, said to him, "Carry this man to his own place." So Masrur took
him up, and carrying him to his own house, set him down in the saloon.
Then he went forth from him, and shutting the saloon door upon him,
returned to the Caliph, who slept till the morrow.
As for Abu al-Hasan, he gave not over slumbering till Almighty Allah
brought on the morning, when he recovered from the drug and awoke,
crying out and saying: "Ho, Tuffahah! Ho, Rahat al-Kulub! Ho,
Miskah! Ho, Tohfah!" And he ceased not calling upon the palace
handmaids till his mother heard him summoning strange damsels, and
rising, came to him and said: "Allah's name encompass thee! Up with
thee, O my son, O Abu al-Hasan! Thou dreamest." So he opened his eyes,
and finding an old woman at his head, raised his eyes and said to her,
"Who art thou?" Quoth she, "I am thy mother," and quoth he: "Thou
liest! I am the Commander of the Faithful the Viceregent of Allah."
Whereupon his mother shrieked aloud and said to him: "Heaven
preserve thy reason! Be silent, O my son, and cause not the loss of
our lives and the wasting of thy wealth, which will assuredly befall
us if any hear this talk and carry it to the Caliph."
So he rose from his sleep, and finding himself in his own saloon and
his mother by him, had doubts of his wit, and said to her: "By
Allah, O my mother, I saw myself in a dream in a palace, with slave
girls and Mamelukes about me and in attendance upon me, and I sat upon
the throne of the Caliphate and ruled. By Allah, O my mother, this
is what I saw, and in very sooth it was no dream!" Then he bethought
himself awhile and said: "Assuredly, I am Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a, and
this that I saw was only a dream when I was made Caliph and bade and
forbade." Then he bethought himself again and said: "Nay, but 'twas
not a dream, and I am none other than the Caliph, and indeed I gave
gifts and bestowed honor robes." Quoth his mother to him: "O my son,
thou sportest with thy reason. Thou wilt go to the madhouse and become
a gazingstock. Indeed, that which thou hast seen is only from the Foul
Fiend, and it was an imbroglio of dreams, for at times Satan
sporteth with men's wits in all manner of ways."
Then said she to him, "O my son, was there anyone with thee
yesternight?" And he reflected and said: "Yes, one lay the night
with me and I acquainted him with my case and told him my tale.
Doubtless, he was of the devils, and I, O my mother, even as thou
sayst truly, am Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a." She rejoined: "O my son,
rejoice in tidings of all good, for yesterday's record is that there
came the Wazir Ja'afar the Barmecide and his many, and beat the
Sheikhs of the mosque and the imam, each a thousand lashes, after
which they paraded them round about the city, making proclamation
before them and saying, 'This is the reward and the least of the
reward of whoso faileth in goodwill to his neighbors and troubleth
on them their lives!' And he banished them from Baghdad. Moreover, the
Caliph sent me a hundred dinars and sent to salute me."
Whereupon Abu al-Hasan cried out and said to her: "O ill-omened
crone, wilt thou contradict me and tell me that I am not the Prince of
True Believers? 'Twas I who commanded Ja'afar the Barmecide to beat
the Sheikhs and parade them about the city and make proclamation
before them, and 'twas I, very I, who sent thee the hundred dinars and
sent to salute thee, and I, O beldam of ill luck, am in very deed
the Commander of the Faithful, and thou art a liar, who would make
me out an idiot." So saying, he rose up and fell upon her and beat her
with a staff of almond wood, till she cried out "Help, O Moslems!" And
he increased the beating upon her till the folk heard her cries, and
coming to her, found Abu al-Hasan bashing his mother and saying to
her: "Old woman of ill omen, am I not the Commander of the Faithful?
Thou hast ensorceled me!" When the folk heard his words, they said,
"This man raveth," and doubted not of his madness.
So they came in upon him, and seizing him, pinioned his elbows,
and bore him to the bedlam. Quoth the superintendant, "What aileth
this youth?" and quoth they, "This is a madman, afflicted of the
Jinn." "By Allah," cried Abu al-Hasan, "they lie against me! I am no
madman, but the Commander of the Faithful." And the superintendent
answered him, saying, "None lieth but thou, O foulest of the
Jinn-maddened!" Then he stripped him of his clothes, and clapping on
his neck a heavy chain, bound him to a high lattice and fell to
beating him two bouts a day and two a-nights, and he ceased not
abiding on this wise the space of ten days. Then his mother came to
him and said: "O my son, O Abu al-Hasan, return to thy right reason,
for this is the Devil's doing." Quoth he: "Thou sayest sooth, O my
mother, and bear thou witness of me that I repeat me of that talk
and turn me from my madness. So do thou deliver me, for I am nigh upon
death." Accordingly his mother went out to the superintendent and
procured his release, and he returned to his own house.
Now this was at the beginning of the month, and when it ended, Abu
al-Hasan longed to drink liquor and, returning to his former habit,
furnished his saloon and made ready food and bade bring wine. Then,
going forth to the bridge, he sat there, expecting one whom he
should converse and carouse with, according to his custom. As he sat
thus, behold, up came the Caliph and Masrur to him, but Abu al-Hasan
saluted them not and said to Al-Rashid, "No friendly welcome to
thee, O King of the Jann!" Quoth Al-Rashid, "What have I done to
thee?" and quoth Abu al-Hasan, "What more couldst thou do than what
thou hast done to me, O foulest of the Jann? I have been beaten and
thrown into bedlam, where all said I was Jinn-mad, and this was caused
by none save thyself. I brought thee to my house and fed thee with
my best, after which thou dist empower thy Satans and Marids to
disport themselves with my wits from morning to evening. So avaunt and
aroynt thee and wend thy ways!"
The Caliph smiled and, seating himself by his side, said to him,
"O my brother, did I not tell thee that I would return to thee?" Quoth
Abu al-Hasan, "I have no need of thee, and as the byword sayeth in
verse:
"Fro' my friend, 'twere meeter and wiser to part,
For what eye sees not born shall ne'er sorrow heart."
And indeed, O my brother, the night thou camest to me and we conversed
and caroused together, I and thou, 'twas as if the Devil came to me
and troubled me that night." Asked the Caliph, "And who is he, the
Devil?" and answered Abu al-Hasan, "He is none other than thou."
Whereat the Caliph laughed and coaxed him and spake him fair,
saying: "O my brother, when I went out from thee, I forgot the door
and left it open, and perhaps Satan came in to thee." Quoth Abu
al-Hasan: "Ask me not of that which hath betided me. What possessed
thee to leave the door open, so that the Devil came in to me and there
befell me with him this and that?" And he related to him all that
had betided him, first and last (and in repetition is no fruition),
what while the Caliph laughed and hid his laughter.
Then said he to Abu al-Hasan: "Praised be Allah who hath done away
from thee whatso irked thee, and that I see thee once more in weal!"
And Abu al-Hasan said: "Never again will I take thee to cup
companion or sitting comrade, for the proverb saith, 'Whoso
stumbleth on a stone and thereto returneth, upon him be blame and
reproach.' And thou, O my brother, nevermore will I entertain thee nor
company with thee, for that I have not found thy heel propitious to
me." But the Caliph coaxed him and said, "I have been the means of thy
winning to thy wish anent the imam and the Sheikhs." Abu al-Hasan
replied, "Thou hast," and Al-Rashid continued, "And haply somewhat may
betide which shall gladden thy heart yet more." Abu al-Hasan asked,
"What dost thou require of me?" and the Commander of the Faithful
answered: "Verily, I am thy guest. Reject not the guest." Quoth Abu
al-Hasan: "On condition that thou swear to me by the characts on the
seal of Solomon, David's son (on the twain be the peace!) that thou
wilt not suffer thine Ifrits to make fun of me." He replied, "To
hear is to obey!"
Whereupon the wag took him and brought him into the saloon and set
food before him and entreated him with friendly speech. Then he told
him all that had befallen him, whilst the Caliph was like to die of
stifled laughter. After which Abu al-Hasan removed the tray of food,
and bringing the wine service, filled a cup and cracked it three
times, then gave it to the Caliph, saying: "O boon companion mine, I
am thy slave, and let not that which I am about to say offend thee,
and be thou not vexed, neither do thou vex me." And he recited these
verses:
"Hear one that wills thee well! Lips none shall bless
Save those who drink for drunk and all transgress.
Ne'er will I cease to swill while night falls dark
Till lout my forehead low upon my tass.
In wine like liquid sun is my delight
Which clears all care and gladdens allegresse."
When the Caliph heard these his verses and saw how apt he was at
couplets, he was delighted with exceeding delight, and taking the cup,
drank it off, and the twain ceased not to converse and carouse till
the wine rose to their heads. Then quoth Abu al-Hasan to the Caliph:
"O boon companion mine, of a truth I am perplexed concerning my
affair, for meseemed I was Commander of the Faithful and ruled and
gave gifts and largess, and in very deed, O my brother, it was not a
dream." Quoth the Caliph, "These were the imbroglios of sleep," and
crumbling a bit of bhang into the cup, said to him, "By my life, do
thou drink this cup," and said Abu al-Hasan, "Surely I will drink it
from thy hand." Then he took the cup and drank it off, and no sooner
had it settled in his stomach than his head fell to the ground
before his feet. Now his manners and fashions pleased the Caliph,
and the excellence of his composition and his frankness, and he said
in himself, "I will assuredly make him my cup companion and sitting
comrade." So he rose forthright, and saying to Masrur, "Take him
up," returned to the palace.
Accordingly, the eunuch took up Abu al-Hasan, and carrying him to
the palace of the caliphate, set him down before Al-Rashid, who bade
the slaves and slave girls compass him about, whilst he himself hid in
a place where Abu al-Hasan could not see him. Then he commanded one of
the handmaidens to take the lute and strike it over the wag's head,
whilst the rest smote upon their instruments. So they played and sang,
till Abu al-Hasan awoke at the last of the night and heard the
symphony of lutes and tambourines and the sound of the flutes and
the singing of the slave girls, whereupon he opened eyes, and
finding himself in the palace, with the handmaids and eunuchs about
him, exclaimed: "There is no Majesty and there is no Might save in
Allah, the Glorious, the Great! Come to my help this night, which
meseems more unlucky than the former! Verily, I am fearful of the
madhouse and of that which I suffered therein the first time, and I
doubt not but the Devil is come to me again, as before. O Allah, my
Lord, put thou Satan to shame!" Then he shut his eyes and laid his
head in his sleeve, and fell to laughing softly and raising his head
betimes, but still found the apartment lighted and the girls singing.
Presently one of the eunuchs sat down at his head and said to him,
"Sit up, O Prince of True Believers, and look on thy palace and thy
slave girls." Said Abu al-Hasan: "Under the veil of Allah, am I in
truth Commander of the Faithful, and dost thou not lie? Yesterday I
rode not forth, neither ruled, but drank and slept, and this eunuch
cometh to make me rise." Then he sat up and recalled to thought that
which had betided him with his mother and how he had beaten her and
entered the bedlam, and he saw the marks of the beating wherewith
the superintendant had beaten him, and was perplexed concerning his
affair and pondered in himself, saying, "By Allah, I know not how my
case is nor what is this that betideth me!" Then, gazing at the
scene around him, he said privily, "All these are of the Jann in human
shape, and I commit my case to Allah."
Presently he turned to one of the damsels and said to her, "Who am
I?" Quoth she, "Thou art the Commander of the Faithful," and quoth he:
"Thou liest, O calamity! If I be indeed the Commander of the Faithful,
bite my finger." So she came to him and bit it with all her might, and
he said to her, "It doth suffice." Then he asked the chief eunuch,
"Who am I?" and he answered, "Thou art the Commander of the Faithful."
So he left him and returned to his wonderment. Then, turning to a
little white slave, said to him, "Bite my ear," and he bent his head
low down to him and put his ear to his mouth. Now the Mameluke was
young and lacked sense, so he closed his teeth upon Abu al-Hasan's ear
with all his might, till he came near to sever it. And he knew not
Arabic, so as often as the wag said to him, "It doth suffice," he
concluded that he said, "Bite like a vice," and redoubled his bite and
made his teeth meet in the ear, whilst the damsels were diverted
from him with hearkening to the singing girls, and Abu al-Hasan
cried out for succor from the boy and the Caliph lost his senses for
laughter.
Then he dealt the boy a cuff, and he let go his ear, whereupon all
present fell down with laughter and said to the little Mameluke,
"Art mad that thou bitest the Caliph's ear on this wise?" And Abu
al-Hasan cried to them: "Sufficeth ye not, O ye wretched Jinns, that
which hath befallen me? But the fault is not yours. The fault is of
your chief, who transmewed you from Jinn shape to mortal shape. I seek
refuge against you this night by the Throne Verse and the Chapter of
Sincerity and the Two Preventives!" So saying, the wag put off his
clothes till he was naked, with prickle and breech exposed, and danced
among the slave girls. They bound his hands and he wantoned among
them, while they died of laughing at him and the Caliph swooned away
for excess of laughter.
Then he came to himself, and going forth the curtain to Abu
al-Hasan, said to him: "Out on thee, O Abu al-Hasan! Thou slayest me
with laughter." So he turned to him, and knowing him, said to him, "By
Allah, 'tis thou slayest me and slayest my mother and slewest the
Sheikhs and the imam of the mosque!" After which he kissed ground
before him and prayed for the permanence of his prosperity and the
endurance of his days. The Caliph at once robed him in a rich robe and
gave him a thousand dinars, and presently he took the wag into
especial favor and married him and bestowed largess on him and
lodged him with himself in the palace and made him of the chief of his
cup companions, and indeed he was preferred with him above them, and
the Caliph advanced him over them all, so that he sat with him and the
Lady Zubaydah bint al-Kasim, whose treasuress, Nuzhat al-Fuad hight,
was given to him in marriage.
After this Abu al-Hasan the wag abode with his wife in eating and
drinking and all delight of life, till whatso was with them went the
way of money, when he said to her, "Harkye, O Nuzhat al-Fuad!" Said
she, "At thy service," and he continued, "I have it in mind to play
a trick on the Caliph, and thou shalt do the like with the Lady
Zubaydah, and we will take of them at once, to begin with, two hundred
dinars and two pieces of silk." She rejoined, "As thou willest, but
what thinkest thou to do?" And he said: "We will feign ourselves dead,
and this is the trick. I will die before thee and lay myself out,
and do thou spread over me a silken napkin and loose my turban over me
and tie my toes and lay on my stomach a knife and a little salt.
Then let down thy hair and betake thyself to thy mistress Zubaydah,
tearing thy dress and slapping thy face and crying out. She will ask
thee, 'What aileth thee?' and do thou answer her, 'May thy head
outlive Abu al-Hasan the wag, for he is dead.' She will mourn for me
and weep and bid her new treasuress give thee a hundred dinars and a
piece of silk and will say to thee, 'Go, lay him out and carry him
forth.' So do thou take of her the hundred dinars and the piece of
silk and come back, and when thou returnest to me, I will rise up
and thou shalt lie down in my place, and I will go to the Caliph and
say to him, 'May thy head outlive Nuzhat al-Fuad,' and rend my raiment
and pluck out my beard. He will mourn for thee and say to his
treasurer, 'Give Abu al-Hasan a hundred dinars and a piece of silk.'
Then he will say to me, 'Go, lay her out and carry her forth,' and I
will come back to thee."
Therewith Nuzhat al-Fuad rejoiced and said, "Indeed, this is an
excellent device." Then Abu al-Hasan stretched himself out
forthright and she shut his eyes and tied his feet and covered him
with the napkin and did whatso her lord had bidden her. After which
she tare her gear and bared her head and letting down her hair, went
in to the Lady Zubaydah, crying out and weeping. When the Princess saw
her in this state, she cried: "What plight is this? What is thy story,
and what maketh thee weep?" And Nuzhatal-Fuad answered, weeping and
loud-wailing the while: "O my lady, may thy head live and mayst thou
survive Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a, for he is dead!" The Lady Zubaydah
mourned for him and said, "Alas, poor Abu al-Hasan the wag!" and she
shed tears for him awhile. Then she bade her treasuress give Nuzhat
al-Fuad a hundred dinars and a piece of silk and said to her, "O
Nuzhat al-Fuad, go, lay him out and carry him forth."
So she took the hundred dinars and the piece of silk and returned to
her dwelling, rejoicing, and went in to her spouse and acquainted
him what had befallen, whereupon he arose and rejoiced and girdled his
middle and danced and took the hundred dinars and the piece of silk
and laid them up. Then he laid out Nuzhat al-Fuad and did with her
as she had done with him, after which he rent his raiment and
plucked out his beard and disordered his turban and ran out, nor
ceased running till he came in to the Caliph, who was sitting in the
judgment hall, and he in this plight, beating his breast. The Caliph
asked him, "What aileth thee, O Abu al-Hasan?" and he wept and
answered, "Would Heaven thy cup companion had never been, and would
his hour had never come!" Quoth the Caliph, "Tell me thy case," and
quoth Abu al-Hasan, "O my lord, may thy head outlive Nuzhat
al-Fuad!" The Caliph exclaimed, "There is no god but God," and smote
hand upon hand. Then he comforted Abu al-Hasan and said to him,
"Grieve not, for we will bestow upon thee a bedfellow other than she."
And he ordered the treasurer to give him a hundred dinars and a piece
of silk. Accordingly the treasurer did what the Caliph bade him, and
Al-Rashid said to him, "Go, lay her out and carry her forth and make
her a handsome funeral."
So Abu al-Hasan took that which he had given him and returning to
his house, rejoicing, went in to Nuzhat al-Fuad and said to her,
"Arise, for our wish" is won." Hereat she arose and he laid before her
the hundred ducats and the piece of silk, whereat she rejoiced, and
they added the gold to the gold and the silk to the silk and sat
talking and laughing each to other.
Meanwhile, when Abu al-Hasan fared forth the presence of the
Caliph and went to lay out Nuzhat al-Fuad, the Commander of the
Faithful mourned for her, and dismissing the Divan, arose and betook
himself, leaning upon Masrur, the Sworder of his vengeance, to the
Lady Zubaydah, that he might condole with her for her handmaid. He
found her sitting weeping and awaiting his coming, so she might
condole with him for his boon companion Abu al-Hasan the wag. So he
said to her, "May thy head outlive thy slave girl Nuzhat al-Fuad!" and
said she: "O my lord, Allah preserve my slave girl! Mayst thou live
and long survive thy boon companion Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a, for he is
dead." The Caliph smiled and said to his eunuch: "O Masrur, verily
women are little of wit. Allah upon thee, say, was not Abu al-Hasan
with me but now?" Quoth the Lady Zubaydah, laughing from a heart
full of wrath: "Wilt thou not leave thy jesting? Sufficeth thee not
that Abu al-Hasan is dead, but thou must put to death my slave girl
also and bereave us of the twain, and style me little of wit?" The
Caliph answered, "Indeed, 'tis Nuzhat al-Fuad who is dead." And the
Lady Zubaydah said: "Indeed he hath not been with thee, nor hast
thou seen him, and none was with me but now save Nuzhat al-Fuad, and
she sorrowful, weeping, with her clothes torn to tatters. I exhorted
her to patience and gave her a hundred dinars and a piece of silk, and
indeed I was awaiting thy coming, so I might console thee for thy
cup companion Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a, and was about to send for
thee." The Caliph laughed and said, "None is dead save Nuzhat
al-Fuad," and she, "No, no, good my lord; none is dead but Abu
al-Hasan the wag."
With this the Caliph waxed wroth, and the hashimi vein started out
from between his eyes and throbbed, and he cried out to Masrur and
said to him, "Fare thee forth to the house of Abu al-Hasan the wag,
and see which of them is dead." So Masrur went out, running, and the
Caliph said to the Lady Zubaydah, "Wilt thou lay me a wager?" And said
she, "Yes, I will wager, and I say that Abu al-Hasan is dead."
Rejoined the Caliph: "And I wager and say that none is dead save
Nuzhat al-Fuad, and the stake between me and thee shall be the
Garden of Pleasaunce against thy palace and the Pavilion of Pictures."
So they agreed upon this and sat awaiting Masrur's return with the
news.
As for the eunuch, he ceased not running till he came to the
by-street wherein was the stead of Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a. Now the
wag was comfortably seated and leaning back against the lattice, and
chancing to look round, saw Masrur running along the street and said
to Nuzhat al-Fuad, "Meseemeth the Caliph, when I went forth from
him, dismissed the Divan and went in to the Lady Zubaydah to condole
with her, whereupon she arose and condoled with him, saying, 'Allah
increase thy recompense for the loss of Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a!'
And he said to her, 'None is dead save Nuzhat al-Fuad, may thy head
outlive her!' Quoth she, ''Tis not she who is dead, but Abu al-Hasan
al-Khali'a, thy boon companion.' And quoth he, 'None is dead save
Nuzhat al-Fuad.' And they waxed so obstinate that the Caliph became
wroth and they laid a wager, and he hath sent Masrur the Sworder to
see who is dead. Now, therefore, 'twere best that thou lie down, so he
may sight thee and go and acquaint the Caliph and confirm my saying."
So Nuzhat al-Fuad stretched herself out and Abu al-Hasan covered her
with her mantilla and sat weeping at her head. Presently, Masrur,
the eunuch, suddenly came in to him and saluted him, and seeing Nuzhat
al-Fuad stretched out, uncovered her face and said: "There is no god
but God! Our sister Nuzhat al-Fuad is dead indeed. How sudden was
the stroke of Destiny! Allah have ruth on thee and acquit thee of
all charge!" Then he returned and related what had passed before the
Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah, and he laughing as he spoke. "O accursed
one," cried the Caliph: "this is no time for laughter! Tell us which
is dead of them." Masrur replied: "By Allah, O my lord, Abu al-Hasan
is well, and none is dead but Nuzhat al-Fuad." Quoth the Caliph to
Zubaydah, "Thou hast lost thy pavilion in thy play," and he jeered
at her. and said, "O Masrur, tell her what thou sawest."
Quoth the eunuch: "Verily, O my lady, I ran without ceasing till I
came in to Abu al-Hasan in his house, and found Nuzhat al-Fuad lying
dead and Abu al-Hasan sitting tearful at her head. I saluted him and
condoled with him and sat down by his side and uncovered the face of
Nuzhat al-Fuad and saw her dead and her face swollen. So I said to
him, 'Carry her out forthwith, so we may pray over her.' He replied,
''Tis well,' and I left him to lay her out and came hither, that I
might tell you the news." The Prince of True Believers laughed and
said, "Tell it again and again to thy lady Little-wits." When the Lady
Zubaydah heard Masrur's words and those of the Caliph she was wroth
and said, "None is little of wit save he who believeth a black slave."
And she abused Masrur, whilst the Commander of the Faithful laughed;
and the eunuch, vexed at this, said to the Caliph, "He spake sooth who
said, 'Women are little of wits and lack religion."'
Then said the Lady Zubaydah to the Caliph: "O Commander of the
Faithful, thou sportest and jestest with me, and this slave
hoodwinketh me, the better to please thee. But I will send and see
which of them be dead." And he answered, saying, "Send one who shall
see which of them is dead." So the Lady Zubaydah cried out to an old
duenna, and said to her: "Hie thee to the house of Nuzhat al-Fuad in
haste and see who is dead, and loiter not." And she used hard words to
her. So the old woman went out running, whilst the Prince of True
Believers and Masrur laughed, and she ceased not running till she came
into the street. Abu al-Hasan saw her, and knowing her, said to his
wife: "O Nuzhat al-Fuad, meseemeth the Lady Zubaydah hath sent to us
to see who is dead and hath not given credit to Masrur's report of thy
death. Accordingly she hath dispatched the old crone, her duenna, to
discover the truth. So it behooveth me to be dead in my turn for the
sake of thy credit with the Lady Zubaydah."
Hereat he lay down and stretched himself out, and she covered him
and bound his eyes and feet and sat in tears at his head. Presently
the old woman came in to her and saw her sitting at Abu al-Hasan's
head, weeping and recounting his fine qualities; and when she saw
the old trot, she cried out and said to her: "See what hath befallen
me! Indeed Abu al-Hasan is dead and hath left me lone and lorn!"
Then she shrieked out and rent her raiment and said to the crone, "O
my mother, how very good he was to me!" Quoth the other, "Indeed
thou art excused, for thou wast used to him and he to thee."
Then she considered what Masrur had reported to the Caliph and the
Lady Zubaydah and said to her, "Indeed, Masrur goeth about to cast
discord between the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah." Asked Nuzhat
al-Fuad, "And what is the cause of discord, O my mother?" and the
other replied: "O my daughter, Masrur came to the Caliph and the
Lady Zubaydah and gave them news of thee that thou wast dead and
that Abu al-Hasan was well." Nuzhat al-Fuad said to her: "O naunty
mine, I was with my lady just now and she gave me a hundred dinars and
a piece of silk, and now see my case and that which hath befallen
me! Indeed I am bewildered, and how shall I do, and I lone and lorn?
Would Heaven I had died and he had lived!" Then she wept and with
her wept the old woman, who, going up to Abu al-Hasan and uncovering
his face, saw his eyes bound and swollen for the swathing. So she
covered him again and said, "Indeed, O Nuzhat al-Fuad, thou art
afflicted in Abu al-Hasan!"
Then she condoled with her, and going out from her, ran along the
street till she came into the Lady Zubaydah and related to her the
story, and the Princess said to her, laughing: "Tell it over again
to the Caliph, who maketh me out little of wit, and lacking of
religion, and who made this ill-omened liar of a slave presume to
contradict me." Quoth Masrur, "This old woman lieth, for I saw Abu
al-Hasan well and Nuzhat al-Fuad it was who lay dead." Quoth the
duenna, "'Tis thou that liest, and wouldst fain cast discord-between
the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah." And Masrur cried, "None lieth but
thou, O old woman of ill omen, and thy lady believeth thee, and she
must be in her dotage." Whereupon the Lady Zubaydah cried out at him,
and in very sooth she was enraged with him and with his speech and
shed tears.
Then said the Caliph to her: "I lie and my eunuch lieth, and thou
liest and thy waiting-woman lieth, so 'tis my rede we go, all four
of us together, that we may see which of us telleth the truth." Masrur
said: "Come, let us go, that I may do to this ill-omened old woman
evil deeds and deal her a sound drubbing for her lying." And the
duenna answered him: "O dotard, is thy wit like into my wit? Indeed
thy wit is as the hen's wit." Masrur was incensed at her words and
would have laid violent hands on her, but the Lady Zubaydah pushed him
away from her and said to him, "Her truthspeaking will presently be
distinguished from thy truth-speaking and her leasing from thy
leasing." Then they all four arose, laying wagers one with other,
and went forth afoot from the palace gate and hied on till they came
in at the gate of the street where Abu al-Hasan al-Khali'a dwelt.
He saw them, and said to his wife, Nuzhat al-Fuad: "Verily, all that
is sticky is not a pancake they cook, nor every time shall the crock
escape the shock. It seemeth the old woman hath gone and told her lady
and acquainted her with our case and she hath disputed with Masrur,
the eunuch, and they have laid wagers each with other about our
death and are come to us, all four, the Caliph and the eunuch and
the Lady Zubaydah and the old trot." When Nuzhat al-Fuad heard this,
she started up from her outstretched posture and asked, "How shall
we do?" whereto he answered, "We will both feign ourselves dead
together and stretch ourselves out and hold out breath." So she
hearkened unto him and they both lay down on the place where they
usually slept the siesta and bound their feet and shut their eyes
and covered themselves with the veil and held their breath.
Presently up came the Caliph, Zubaydah, Masrur, and the old woman,
and entering, found Abu al-Hasan the wag and wife both stretched out
as dead, which when the Lady saw, she wept and said: "They ceased
not to bring ill news of my slave girl till she died. Methinketh Abu
al-Hasan's death was grievous to her and that she died after him."
Quoth the Caliph: "Thou shalt not prevent me with thy prattle and
prate. She certainly died before Abu al-Hasan, for he came to me
with his raiment rent and his beard plucked out, beating his breast
with two bits of unbaked brick, and I gave him a hundred dinars and
a piece of silk and said too him, 'Go, bear her forth, and I will give
thee a bedfellow other than she and handsomer, and she shall be
instead of her.' But it would appear that her death was no light
matter to him and he died after her, so it is I who have beaten thee
and gotten thy stake." The Lady Zubaydah answered him in words galore,
and the dispute between them waxed sore.
At last the Caliph sat down at the heads of the pair and said: "By
the tomb of the Apostle of Allah (whom may He save and assain!) and
the sepulchers of my fathers and forefathers, whoso will tell me which
of them died before the other, I will willingly give him a thousand
dinars!" When Abu al-Hasan heard the Caliph's words, he sprang up in
haste and said: "I died first, O Commander of the Faithful! Here
with the thousand dinars, and acquit thee of thine oath and the
swear thou sworest." Nuzhat al-Fuad rose also and stood up before
the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah, who both rejoiced in this and in
their safety, and the Princess chid her slave girl. Then the Caliph
and Zubaydah gave them joy of their well-being and knew that this
death was a trick to get the gold, and the Lady said to Nuzhat
al-Fuad: "Thou shouldst have sought of me that which thou neededst,
without this fashion, and not have burned my heart for thee." And she,
"Verily, I was ashamed, O my lady."
As for the Caliph, he swooned away for laughing and said, "O Abu
al-Hasan, thou wilt never cease to be a wag and do peregrine things
and prodigious!" Quoth he: "O Commander of the Faithful, this trick
I played off for that the money which thou gavest me was exhausted,
and I was ashamed to ask of thee again. When I was single, I could
never keep money in hand, but since thou marriedst me to this
damsel, if I possessed even thy wealth, I should lay it waste.
Wherefore when all that was in my hand was spent, I wrought this
sleight so I might get of thee the hundred dinars and the piece of
silk, and all this is an alms from our lord. But now make haste to
give me the thousand dinars and acquit thee of thine oath." The Caliph
and the Lady Zubaydah laughed and returned to the palace, and he
gave Abu al-Hasan the thousand dinars saying, "Take them as a
douceur for thy perservation from death," whilst her mistress did
the like with Nuzhat al-Fuad, honoring her with the same words.
Moreover, the Caliph increased the wag in his solde and supplies,
and he and his wife ceased not to live in joy and contentment till
there came to them the Destroyer of delights and Severer of societies,
the Plunderer of palaces, and the Gamerer of graves.
And among tales they tell is one touching
Aladdin; Or, The Wonderful Lamp.